Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
