i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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