don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
