I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
