two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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