Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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