I think i peed on brittanys purse
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
