Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
