I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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