I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
