I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
