Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
