They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
You're a waste of cheezeits
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
