I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
