So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize