Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
