you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
