the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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