peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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