if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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