White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize