Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize