his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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