If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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