I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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