i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
