how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
