dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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