just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Randomize
