Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
