I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
