He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
