I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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