So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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