God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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