and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
