just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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