i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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