Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
