She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
