Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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