Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
