it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
