so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
