my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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