I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
