I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
