Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
