my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
