well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize