life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
