you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
