I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
