Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize