fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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