I wish I could teleport
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
