so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize