I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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